Worst day of my life

Four years ago today was the worst day of my life.  And I hope and pray it will be the worst day of my life and that I never have another day that even rivals this day.  This day four years ago I held my baby in my arms as was dying.  I have looked back on those moments so many times and wished so badly they had been different.  I remember holding his body but feeling him already gone.  And so I held his body.  And that was it.  And the days and weeks that came later that haunted me.  That I didn't hug and squeeze and treat him like the newborn he was.  He was lifeless in my arms.  Stiff.  Not responding.  But I still wished so badly that I had held him with so much more of a motherly disposition.  The truth was, I was in shock.  I really didn't even know what my body was doing anyway.  I was so worried about my other kids and how they were taking this and making sure that this was the best possible memory that could be burned into their brains because really there was no winning here.  Our hearts were all breaking right before us.  I felt like mine was just burst right open and I had blood everywhere all over me.  Because I barely moved as I held him.  And that I regret.  I have replayed it so many times in my head what I would have done if I had a second chance to hold him.  And I have even convinced myself that I could have breathed life into him. I could have coaxed him into staying here with us because we all know the best place for him is right here in our arms.  No where else.  I would have caressed him and whispered to him and sang to him and rocked him and nuzzled him into my neck ..... all those things I do to my babies.  But I never did to Chase.  And I will take that to my grave.  Some days it's a heavy, heavy load on my shoulders.  And then I feel him.  He's telling me it's okay.  And all of a sudden I'm okay.  But those moments that I think back to this day four years ago, and I don't let myself go there very often, but those moments, my heart breaks all over again.  I miss you little man.  I miss you so so much.  I wish nothing more than to hold you again.  To feel you in my arms.  I love you Chase Allen Pearson.

Four Years Old

My little boy is four years old tomorrow.  It is so hard to wrap my mind around this...that it was four years ago tonight that I was so anxious to meet our newest gift from Heaven.  And yet it was so hard to believe that this tragedy even happened to us back then.  Now, it is all we have....if we don't hold onto this event, there is nothing to hold onto.  I remember after losing Chase (and I think I have said this in more than one post), one thing that hurt the most was never being congratulated when he was born.   It's those automatic phrases or words that come out of one's mouth for certain occasions and because Chase was so critical after delivery and then died just four days later, no one could say those words to me.  It wasn't that I was angry at people for it--who would say congratulations to a woman who never got to bring her baby home from the hospital?  It was the mountain of "should-have-beens" that I was heading for that this was kicking off.  Such simple words.  Yet unspoken because they were not appropriate.  And there were times that I was walking around shortly after Chase's birth, mothering a child in Heaven now, that I would have loved to have heard those words.  They would have sent me right into an ocean of tears, but I still would have loved to have heard them.  I was still his mama.  I still proud for having given birth to such a cute, healthy-looking baby, minus all the tubes.  But congratulations are hardly in the mind at a time like that.  And to even say that I was feeling like that is a little embarrassing.  

I miss him.  We all do.  We miss him as much today as we did the day he left us.   I wish so badly I could get a glimpse of what he looks like in my mind.  But I still think of him running around, playing with his siblings, sitting on my lap, just being part of this family.  And how we would be having a birthday party for him, probably SpiderMan or Dinosaur Train, cake and blowing out candles.  Reese.  Reese was this age exactly when Chase died.  And that's when it hits me.  Time seems so measurable when I put an image of Reese in my head from those days surrounding Chase's birthday and gone to heaven day.  Sitting next to me on the pew listening so intently to what the preacher was saying about his baby brother.  Reese grew up a lot that day and and that's how I see Chase.  Quiet and ahead of his years.  Like he knows more than we do.  I'm sure he does.

We have talked about our day tomorrow and how we plan to celebrate his birthday.  I'll post pictures tomorrow, or at some point.  But it is with such a heavy heart that I look forward to this day and these days ahead.  Even after four years, I force the smiles, as we all do.  Only Owen will be able to be truly happy.  And from this we will all be able to smile.  A gift from Chase, I'm sure of it.  So we hold hands and we hold each other in our hearts and this is how we make it through time....until we are all together again.

The little things

I find myself gearing up.  It's that month...that wonderful, hideous, delightful, yet so painful month.  The month that we have wonderful things to celebrate (Reese's birthday...Chase's birthday) and that month that we have our heart broken all over again (Chase's death).  And so I prepare...in ways I don't even realize.

I remember the feeling of walking into a public bathroom and seeing a diaper changing station.....and not getting to use it.  It was things like this that made me so different from anyone else and feel so alone.  I had all kinds of feelings like this going on inside.  And as April comes up again, I find myself having these feelings again.  Like changing Owen's diaper on one of these tables and being so incredibly grateful that I could do this.  That my baby was here this time.  He is really here.  I still pinch myself and he's 2 years old.  I had a lot of paperwork to do a few weeks ago and a job that would have taken anyone else two days to do, took me about 6 because I only got about an hour and a half of it done at once before Owen woke up from his nap or needed my attention.  And I was thankful.  Whenever I got frustrated for being interrupted during my tedious, time-sensitive job, I was quickly reminded of Chase and that I would have done anything to have the distractions of my baby keeping me from getting things done.  I don't know why, really.  But my mind kept going there.

Like the high chairs in restaurants....they used to be such a painful sight.  Now, they are a reminder because as I situate Owen in his, I am thankful, and at the same time, mindful of those days I would have been using one for Chase, but didn't.

Like the pitter-patter of feet running through the house.  One of my most favorite sounds on this earth.  And I wonder what Chase would look like.  I find myself going through pictures and seeing Reese when Chase was born.  The same age that Chase would be today.....that is so hard to wrap my mind around, but I try so hard.  I see Chase in those pictures; I try to picture Reese a little different, maybe a mix between Owen and Reese and that's what I want to think of Chase looking like.  But I can't.  I see a little boy in the same little clothes with the same color hair, but I can't see any facial features on the little boy.  I try to...but it's a detail my brain won't let me create for some reason.  At bedtime, I lay in bed with my boys and hug my blanket and miss him so much.  I close my eyes and touch Owen's face and try again to picture Chase.  It feels nice......his skin feels so soft and so incredibly real....but I still can't see any details.   Tears.  Sadness.  Memories.  That's all I get.  Such a strong yearning to see and feel my little boy.  Reese says he's here in bed with us.  I hope so.  I truly do.

I remember being home after Chase died and whenever I got food out of the freezer, I'd see those April dates.  Seeing those dates stamped on something real was like screaming at me.  And I still feel that way four years later.  When I see milk in the fridge with a "best buy" date of April 14th, 15th, 16th, or 17th, I think of those days in the NICU.  Or April 13th, or April 25th, or 26th.  They are all triggers for me.  So, you see, it's the whole month that I can't get away from.  And then we celebrate Reese on the 19th and try to be happy on the 14th for Chase.  It's such a roller coaster, April.  But we ride it together.  And that's the only way I get through it.   And so I brace myself, for this ride.

January: Off and running

Oh my.  I started this post two weeks ago.  And it's the end of January now.  It's going fast.  Everything.  The days, the weeks, the months, the years.  Time.  That linear enemy that measures our existence.  More gray hairs, less hair, more wrinkles, bigger pores. Ahhhh, to know it is to love it.  Right?  Well not that stuff.  But I love this life.  I love all that it has to offer.  Owen turns 2 in two weeks.  I love these days.  I can't get enough of him.  I think I've said that since the day we brought him home, haven't I?  He is learning manners and he has such a comedic personality.  Of course....he loves entertaining his siblings.   He says "peeze" (please) and "tink-u" (thank you) and "wecome" (your welcome and "bess-u" (bless you).  Oh and he also says "shup" (shut-up), "cwap" (crap) and "sucka".  He has brought us so many laughs and giggles and smiles and so much love.  The old adage...you never know how much love your heart can hold...?  And since I'm with him all the time (All.The.Time), he really is my little buddy.  It reminds me of Reese....I had forgotten how much time he and I had spent together and that I felt exactly this way.  I stop and look at Reese.  And I feel sad because I'll be reminded of this and realize that I spend so much time with Owen that I have missed out on Reese these last two years.  I feel him growing up, yet trying to stay my little boy all at once.  And sometimes I feel like I make him grow up because I have Owen occupying my time and needing my attention....leaving Reese left to figure it out on his own.  On my emotional days this really bothers me.  But when I think more rationally, I realize this is all part of the kids growing up.  And fact is, I don't want them to.

I have so much love in my heart.  And this makes me happy.  I can feel it bursting at the seams. And this life would be perfect.  If.... Only if...  But it's what we have and for what it is, it is perfect.

I took Owen to library this morning and it was so much fun watching him  sing and clap, all the while nestled snuggly into my lap.  There was a little girl that talked just like him, she was just his age and such an outgoing little girl and quite vocal.  The grandma told me she had an older brother that helped make their household a very busy one.  An older brother that was 3 1/2.  He wasn't with her but I so badly wished he was.  I wanted to see the age difference and the interaction for my own eyes.  I had imagined it so many times with Owen but to think of the two siblings and compare them to Owen and Chase brought tears to my eyes.  I was so happy to be there with Owen.  And I was just as equally sad to be there without Chase.  So my imagination was all I had, once again, to fill in the gaps.

It goes without saying that Chase is on my thoughts constantly.  I miss him dearly.  When I go to bed at night, I see a star.  It's a bit blurry without my glasses but I see it very vividly and I see it every night.  And I think of Chase.  It has something to do with him, even though I'm not sure exactly what it is.  But the fact that I see it so "clearly" and it shines so brightly tells me he's out there.  Some days I struggle to feel him.  I struggle to feel even remotely close to him.  But then other days he is very near.  It doesn't mean my life isn't perfect.  It's missing someone in a very huge way.  But what is in my life makes me happy and fills my broken heart, busting at the seams.  It's just how I live.  <3 p="">

Merry Christmas

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I last posted.  Geez this month went fast.  It was hard to get in the Christmas mood.  But it finally came...and then, low and behold, it's snowing tonight.  I love it.   Probably not much but at least it's white outside.  And cold.  The magic of Christmas....

It's been tough getting in the Christmas spirit also because the ages of the girls.  Karly is pretty challenging right now (like her mom) and Emma has had a hard time with believing in anything, let alone Santa.  The age of doubt.  Doesn't that last for a while, huh?  I tried to do a couple special things for her because of this.  I'm going to write on my blog to her as well about this ...

I started this post a couple hours ago.  I'm going to wrap it up, much shorter than I had anticipated.  I have a letter to write to Chase yet as well.  It's snowing outside.  I think I'm all ready for Christmas.  Truth is, I'll never be ready.  Because it's not what I ever wanted it to be.  In ways, its much more.  in ways, there's still a big hole.  I'll always have someone missing in this picture.  But I know in my heart he is with us; he's here in this room with is on Christmas morning.  And soon, one day, I will hold him in my arms again.  I love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

My Grandma and my aunt at my cousin's wedding this last weekend.

My family

Got some sugar!